This morning I was talking to a friend of mine at Publix and another of their acquaintances joined us. After a round of introductions the new comer asked, “So, what do you do?” That was the first thing that started to put a wrinkle in my mood, but I will get to that in a minute. I responded to her question with, “Oh, I am a homemaker.” Her response is one that I have gotten many times over the last few years… “Oh… That’s nice…So!
First, I would like address the points of this whole incident that irked me. When you meet a total stranger in an impromptu social situation where the goal of the other party obviously isn’t to net work (i.e. the store, parking lots, banks, bathrooms, my favorite- Starbucks) it is never appropriate to ask about their career. I don’t care if you are pretty sure they are the CEO of a company that you have been dying to interview with, it isn’t appropriate. Most people when they are off the clock don’t want to think about work, they are trying to get the “other stuff” done so they can go home, have a cocktail/beer and relax.
The next thing that bothered me was the way she went through the cycle. “Oh”- as in I am so sorry for you. “That’s nice…”- I guess you don’t have the skills for a “real job”, I feel sorry for your husband. “So!”- let me change the subject so you don’t know that right now I am feeling sorry for your lack of abilities.
Then we have the tone change. This one is not as concrete as the others. You know how when you walk up to someone and ask them about their day and their response is “My dog died”, “My mother is in the hospital” or on a happier note “I’m pregnant” and the tone of the conversation changes instantly? That is what happened today, only her reaction was more akin to me saying “I am mentally handicapped and only have about a 2 year olds understanding of the world.”
Before I set into my rant I would like to make it clear that I am not judging the hard working mothers and wives who work outside of the house. I am just asking for a little understanding and respect for the mothers and wives who make the choice to stay at home also. Let us also not forget the handful of fully capable fathers and husbands who are homemakers too.
I have made a choice to stay at home. It has taken me a long time to adjust to being a stay at home spouse. I don’t have children I am raising, so when I first started trying my hands at being home it was boring and I found myself walking around the house staring at the walls until my husband would get home. I took some part time jobs that turned into full time jobs with time and after a while we found that it wasn’t working for us time management wise or financially.
Once I became a stay at home spouse there was someone home to plan meals, cook the meals, run the errands, take care of the house, to make our house a home- a sanctuary. It gave us the freedom to take the time we were both here and enjoy each other’s company, not scurry around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get things done we couldn’t get done during the work week. Our weekends were our own for the most part and it has been nice. Not to mention always having clean underwear is a huge plus! We have been able to arrest our free time from work time and are a happier, healthier couple for it.
The funny thing is; it is the women who look at being a homemaker with such disgust and distain; the guys who have been rude enough to ask think it is really cool and lament not knowing more women willing to work at home. I understand that women’s liberation put women out in the work force and made us “harder and more competitive” but seriously, I do more in the first 4 hours that I am awake most days of the week than most of these pampered prats do in a week. I don’t get “sick days”, I don’t have anyone who can cover my shift, there isn’t anyone here who is capable of picking up the pieces if I drop the ball. My husband is a saint, but that doesn’t mean he has any clue about what goes on around our house while he is at work. He is at work he can’t cover my shift. When I take a day off it means that the food fairy is coming over and dropping take out on my dinning room table.
I just really wanted to explain, why it annoys me when people ask me, “What do you do?” I am not ashamed of my choice to stay home, but I am sick of the pitying condescension that comes my way every time I answer with, “I am a homemaker.”
5 comments:
I'm pretty sure we could share the same soap box. I'm a stay at home mom, and I think the general consensus is that I wasn't "ambitious." I would like to smack whoever thinks being a stay at home mom with five kids isn't "ambitious" enough. I hate when people make assumptions, and I hate pity. Don't pity me. My job is harder than most regualr 9-5 jobs, but I don't get paid, there are no vacations, and no sick leave. I run a taxi service, maid service, accounting firm, am a personal shopper, groomer, and nanny and I love EVERY. MINUTE of it. I know how LUCKY I am to be able to stay at home with my kids. No pity needed.
((hugs))
Try saying Project Manager. That's what you're doing, managing the house hold.
Ok, Carrie, you know I love you to death so I don't want you to be upset with my following comments. Please please keep in mind this is mostly devil's advocate. I would never condone anyone looking down on you or being rude in any situation.
With that being said, I hope you realize that when you get that reaction, it's mostly out if jealousy. I think lots of women wish they had the luxury of being able to make the choice to stay home. Unfortunately, I have to work because my husband doesn't make enough to support us both.
And I think that homemakers also get that reaction from women who have a bit of anger in them about it to. As you stated, you feel that you work more in four hours than that woman does all week. But the reality of the situation is that woman probably works 40-45 hours a week and then has to come home and do all the work you do as well, perhaps with the extra work of children. So, it's probably mostly bitterness at her own situation instead if pity.
Again, it's never ok to treat someone differently or be rude because of the choices they've made. And I also hope you know that I both love and respect you. I just wanted to give you a different perspective.
Heather,
I can appreciate your take on my frustrations. At first I too thought it was out of jealousy, or rather lamenting their choices/position. After time I have come to realize that is not true in this case. We have the fortune/misfortune in living in a part of Columbia where money and apperences are worth a lot more to adults than simple pleasures. I have come across ladies in other parts of Columbia whose responses are different, they get excited to talk about wishing they could or "Oh! That is wonderful, I hope I can stay home when we have kids!" "That is wonderful! I wish I could stay at home too."
I would also like to point out that I was working full time up until about 3-4 years ago. I know about the plight of the working woman and I don't envy you or any other woman who wears many hats. One of the reasons I stopped working was we found that we were spending more than I was making because things around the house couldn't get done or Troy would have to take time off to take care of situations that would arise. This was a practical choice as much as a personal one.
My problem isn't with working women, just with the women who act as if I didn't hear women can work, I am not smart enough for a "real job", or act as if I am a second class citizen for chosing to stay home.
It is like I have to remind my youngest step son, "It wasn't so long ago that I was in your shoes."
Thank you so much for your love and respect and please know that it is returned 100% to you. You have always been one of the best people I have known for many reasons, one of which you don't see a negitive, you see a positive in the making.
Thank you for your perspective hun!
People like that don't have clue what it takes to run a house. I am a SAHM with three children, 2 of them teens and one a preteen, believe me it's work. My husband's job doesn't really give me the chance to work. I am here for the house, my husband and my kids and that's what we both want.
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